Body image as a feminist and my current departure from the internet

It has recently been called to my attention that my new pictures “go against everything that I stand for” and that I am now using sex appeal to sell my records. Are these people serious? My records don’t sell whether I am using “sex appeal” or not. It doesn’t matter what I look like. People don’t like buying music. People like buying clothes. People like buying houses. People like buying merchandise. Who buys music these days? Seriously. The top artists in our genre (Combichrist and anyone bigger than this excluded) work 9 to 5 jobs. The rest of us are in situations that range from being homeless to living with our parents to living in crappy apartments to finishing school in our early to late 20’s.

I remember when Emilie Autumn posted some pictures that I found to be triggering as a survivor of sexual abuse. I mentioned that I felt betrayed by her because listening to her music had always been a healing experience for me. I felt completely crushed. Yet suddenly it hit me when I went to her book reading in Chicago. She wasn’t betraying us by taking these pictures in the slightest. She was rising above her abuse. She was giving her oppressors a big fuck you. She was taking whatever pictures she wanted to. That was liberation. I confided to her in tears and she gave me a huge hug.

I am proud of my body. If anyone has felt triggered by the recent images I’ve posted I want them to know that this was not my intention. I used to do everything I could to make myself ugly to avoid sexual harassment. No longer will I be that type of person. No longer will I hide my body because that is letting the assholes win. I’m not ugly and I refuse to make myself appear that way due to the sexual oppression I have faced. I am proud of my body and you should be proud of your body too. Whether you are skinny, fat, or anything in between… our bodies are our own and we should never try to hide them.

As for my current departure from the internet my reasons are as follows. A bunch of my friends have told me that I am making things worse for myself by posting about my private life to the public. I can’t believe I told the public I was raped. This caused my enemies to start threatening to gang rape me to remind me of the initial trauma. It was an inhuman thing to do to me and sent me into a downward spiral that effected my mental health in a way that I can’t even begin to describe. Why did I tell the public I was raped? To share my story. To reach out to other survivors. Yet it was still a decision that hurt me in the end.

What I need to do right now is get better. Not post about the way people in the powernoise scene have been fucking with my life. My actual life. It goes far beyond the internet. While the public has the right to know about the way I’ve been treated by the horrible people in my own industry this is much less important than getting in better mental shape.

I am checking myself into a clinic for survivors of sexual abuse. When I am in better mental health I will return to the internet once again. Until then I wish you all a happy new year.

Love,
Rachel Haywire